


Nobody's seducing a vampire...?

by juiceboxjellyfish



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Agatha finds out, Baz's POV, M/M, Oneshot, nobody's seducing a vampire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-21 03:35:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11935479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juiceboxjellyfish/pseuds/juiceboxjellyfish
Summary: A different version of chapter 65, where Simon realises the irony of his statement on the seduction of vampires.





	Nobody's seducing a vampire...?

"Nobody's seducing a vampire!" Snow blurts out. 

Oh yeah? That's not what he was saying yesterday, when he was kissing me in a burning forest. Or later the same day, when he kissed me until our mouths were sore. (I bet his mouth is still sore, actually. Mine is.)  
Or when he let me sleep in his arms.  
Or, in fact, an hour ago, when his jaw was doing that bloody thing it does and his hands were finding their way under my shirt...  
I wonder how far he would've gone if the maid hadn't walked in. 

I know that he's also aware of the irony in his statement, because he glances in my direction. I frown at him, as if to say "are you sure about that?" and raise my eyebrow.

We make eye contact, and I feel the laughter forming in my throat. I desperately try to keep a serious face, and I can tell that Snow's doing the same thing.  
He's just worse at it.  
I guess he hasn't had to practice lying about his feelings for years... It's growing increasingly harder not to laugh. 

Snow gives in. He lets out a loud snort, and it's impossible for me to keep a straight face. (I've never been good at keeping things straight.)  
I chuckle, and then we're both laughing. A lot.

I can't remember the last time I've laughed like this, and I don't think I've ever made anyone laugh like this either. Snow is clutching his stomach and gasping for breath, and I think tears are forming in his eyes. We can't stop laughing. 

"Care to explain what the hell is going on?"  
Fuck. I forgot about Bunce and Wellbelove. They both look completely flabbergasted, which is fair enough. As far as they're aware, Snow and I are enemies.  
I have no idea what to say to them, because how can I possibly explain this without outing my relationship with Simon? Besides, I still can't stop laughing.  
The looks on their faces make it all even funnier.  
Bunce is looking at me like she excepts me to explain this, and when I don't, she turns to Simon. He's still laughing uncontrollably as well.  
"Nobody's seducing a vampire!" he wheezes in-between laughs. 

Penelope just stares.  
Snow's sitting on the floor with his back against a bookcase, still laughing like a maniac. My eyes have started tearing up by now too. All the confusion is just making it funnier.  
Wellbelove looks almost offended. Probably because she thinks I'm evil. Bunce speaks again, loudly. She has to, in order to be heard over our laughter.  
"I still don't understand what's funny, Simon. You just said that nobody's seducing a vampire, which was a perfectly rational statement, and then Baz looked at you and..."  
She trails off. She looks from Simon to me, and then back to Simon. She stares at us both, and it's like a light bulb lights up behind her eyes.

"Aleister Crowley, are you two-" Simon and I both stop laughing. We're just looking at her now, not sure what to say or do. She's obviously onto us. Is she going to say anything? What is she thinking? That we're insane, probably. She's still just looking at us, like she's made a scientific breakthrough. 

Bunce sits down, and the dry-erase marker drops from her hand. The room is completely silent now, and Wellbelove is just staring at the three of us. She hasn't caught up yet, and she's too shocked by our behavior to say anything. Poor girl, she didn't even know we were working together until about an hour ago. 

Bunce finally recovers enough to speak, at least kind of.  
"You- and him! The two of you..." Her eyes are so wide.  
"I can't believe I didn't see this coming! Of course... It all makes sense!"  
Simon furrows his eyebrows in confusion, and I get why. How does it all make sense?  
"When you followed him around all the time... What was I thinking? And all the talk about plotting! Who talks about someone that much? I mean you watched him sleep, for Crowley's sake!"  
I think she's talking to Snow, that seems most natural. Did he watch me sleep? And tell Penelope about it? I wonder what he said...  
"No wonder you wouldn't shut up about him. Oh Simon, you're so oblivious!"  
So she's definitely talking to Snow.  
"So when did this-" she says, gesturing to me and Simon, "-become a thing? Have you been hiding it for ages or...?" 

Wellbelove clears her throat. Fuck. I forgot she was even here, she's been so quiet.  
"When did what become a thing? What are you talking about?" She's clearly frustrated, but I can understand that. She must feel very left out of the conversation. Bunce gestures towards me and Simon again.  
"Don't you see?" she says. "They're a couple!" 

Wellbelove's jaw actually drops.  
"What? But they can't be! Simon's my ex boyfriend! And Baz... Baz is evil! Besides, Simon dated me for years. He's not gay! I don't know if you noticed, but Baz is a guy! And also, you know, his enemy!" She's gesturing wildly, and her face is filled with shock and disbelief.  
"People can be bi, Agatha. Also, they were working together behind your back for ages. Who knows what else they might've been hiding? I'm honestly surprised I didn't pick up on it earlier, it's pretty obvious" Bunce responds. 

Snow speaks up for the first time since he started this whole thing.  
"You keep saying it's obvious. How is it obvious?" Crowley, is that really what he's hung up on? Bunce gives him a look that's kind of pitying.  
"Oh, Simon it really is when you think about it. You've been obsessed with Baz for ages! I mean you followed him around everywhere in fifth year, and we had to make up rules to stop you from talking too much about him."  
I think about the fact that Snow talks about me, and feel my cheeks flush.  
"I was only talking about him becuase I thought he was a dangerous vampire who'd kill me in my sleep" Simon says in a defensive tone. Bunce chuckles.  
"Yeah, that's what you wanted to think. Of course you didn't want to admit to yourself that you liked your roommate and sworn enemy, becuase that would suck for you! It's much easier to pretend to just hate him." Wow. That sounds a lot like what I did until year five... Was Snow doing the same this whole time?  
"Anyway, it looks like you're not lying to yourself anymore. So, when did you get together?"  
Simon and I both blush.  
"You make it sound like we've been going behind your back for ages" he says. "It's really not like that!" I nod in agreement. 

"Wait, so you are actually together?" Wellbelove interrupts. Simon reaches for my hand, and I let him grab it. I nod silently, and Snow gives an affirmative hum.  
Wellbelove actually turns around. She runs her hands trough her hair and takes a deep breath before turning back to us.  
"Nope." She says. "This is more than I can handle today. I've had too much. Your lives are too chaotic, and I'm not getting involved. I've had too much." And with that, she walks out of the library. We sit there for a few seconds before Bunce jumps to her feet.  
"Dammit" she says. "I've got to go with Agatha, she's my ride home. Also I need to make sure she doesn't tell the Mage about all this, because she seems pretty done. I'd love to stay here and find out more about your mutual and equally pathetic pining, but I've got to go. We were gonna take you with us Simon, but I guess you'd rather stay here, considering the recent information." Simon nods.  
"Well then," Bunce continues, "I suppose that's it for me. Sorry to cut the meeting short, we'll have to plan this some other time. Happy Christmas!"

The library is silent again. Simon and I are both sitting on the floor, resting against a bookcase. His hand is in mine, and neither of us say anything for a couple of minutes.  
I don't know what Wellbelove is going to do now, but I hope that Bunce can talk her out of anything too drastic. Snow breaks the silence.  
"Well, that wasn't how I planned to tell people." I chuckle.  
"But you were planning to tell people?" I ask, suddenly realising what that would mean. I'm blushing again.  
"As in, you think this could be serious enough to get to a point where you tell people about it?" He shrugs. He does that a lot.  
"Yeah, I guess so."  
My chest feels warm, and more alive than it's been since I was bitten.  
"So does that mean we're officially boyfriends?"  
"Yeah" he says. "If you want us to be."  
"I do."

And we kiss, and it's so good. Simon Snow is my boyfriend.  
"I thought nobody was seducing any vampires" I whisper. He pushes me off of him.  
"Fuck off" he says, but he's smiling. I chuckle, and he grabs my shirt to pull me closer, and then he kisses me.

**Author's Note:**

> Every time I read Carry On, I can't help but think about what was going through Baz's head in that one moment, and what would've happened if he'd reacted to it more visibly. 
> 
> So I made this
> 
> Please leave a comment telling me what you think, comments always make my day!!


End file.
